The Erumpent In The Room || Bae snaps

Saturday, January 8, 1921
Prefect's Bathroom
9:15 PM

The first week back felt like it had been an...adjustment. It had taken days for the girl to stop covering up whenever she left her dorm, finally forsaking the thick, hooded cloak in favour of simple--and less restrictive--warming charms. Some of that came with falling back into the rhythm within the castle and re-grounding herself in her classes and extra-curriculars. Another part had to do with Julia. The woman was a godsend. Benji had been right in assuming she'd be able to help.

It wouldn't be quick, not unless she wanted to damage both her hair and skin in the process, but it would happen. His mother had gifted her two vials earlier that day, her own brews she'd spent the week working on, apparently. Rae would have to start incorporating them in her daily routines; one vial to be added to her shampoo, the other to her skincare. Julia hadn't been able to give guarantees on when she'd fully be back to normal, but she'd at least been certain of noticeable results within the next week or so.

That wouldn't...be so bad. It was better than being stuck this way forever.

Small mercies.

Less good was a disturbing trend she'd noticed as the week passed her by. Rae hadn't noticed it at first, not with how adamant she'd been to hide and make herself scarce, but once she started integrating again, there was...something not quite right.

In all the chaos, the Slytherin girl realised...she hadn't had much time with Benji.

Running into Cassian in a corridor over, she'd been told she could find her boyfriend still hanging out inside the prefect's bathroom. Uttering the password, Rae slipped in, finding the boy lounging in the pool. It had been a long week. She couldn't fault him for wanting to unwind.

"There you are," she said, listening for the sound of the door closing behind her. "I've been looking everywhere for you." Rae moved to the edge of the pool, kicking out of her shoes and socks before sitting with her feet dipped into the water next to him. She ran her fingers through his hair.

"Busy?" The tone alone gave away what she wanted. The girl had never been subtle.

He needed to unwind.

Christmas had been…eventful to say the least. It had been nice, of course. It was the first Christmas he’d spent as a full-fledged Laurence with the family, and the first he’d been able to spend with Kate in years. It had been festive, full of games, good food and the people he’d come to love and respect as his own. If you’d told him two years prior that this would be his life, the boy would have probably felt heartbroken, knowing it was a joke and something he could never have.

It had also been a reckoning.

James wasn’t playing anymore. When Benji had all but given Roger Burke the proverbial middle finger and told him to go talk to his uncle, the boy hadn’t thought he would actually do it. It was a pattern, he was beginning to realize, of not understanding the dynamics of the world he had been brought into, but his uncle was happy to give him another briefing.

In so many words, Benji had had the fear of God put in him. Not physically; his family weren’t the physically abusive kind. But with carefully laced explanations that had the undertone of a threat he could hear loud and clear. Not a threat of abandonment or physical retribution. It was a threat of isolation; the same they’d done to Rosalie over the summer. They’d keep him home, tutor him on his own, and remove the things he enjoyed if he wouldn’t listen and fall in line. There would be no negotiations, no second chances.

Either the boy came to heel, or his life as he knew it was changing.

And…he wasn’t ready to lose it all. He’d seen the way Rosalie’s spirit had broken. Watched her change day by day from the vibrant bubbly girl she was into a shell of a person with nothing behind her eyes. She was…somewhat better now. Kind of. She still had that vacant, far-away look sometimes, but at least she sounded more like herself.

He didn’t want to experience what all of that felt like.

As a prefect, he’d never ventured into the bathroom, much less sat in the warm pool with various scents of soap and bubbles surrounding him. It seemed rather girly and weird, but once he’d settled himself in, convinced if the other blokes did it, it wasn’t that strange, he’d relaxed easily.

The scent of bergamot, santal and something else filled the air as he sighed, letting the bubbles come up to his chin as he settled in for a nap.

"I've been looking everywhere for you."

Hazel eyes shot open, falling upon the voice he knew was the last one he needed to hear in here. His lips tightened slightly and he jumped a little, pulling the bubbles thicker around him. He…had left his clothes over by the sinks and…he wasn’t decent. And she didn’t need to see! He was behaving himself, like his uncle had told him to do.

She settled in next to him, dipping her feet in the water, as her fingers went to his hair.

Nope. Noooope.

Benji felt that little fire begin to scorch in his chest and he knew he was in trouble.

“Um, actually, very busy.” He scooted a foot or so away from her, effectively removing her hand from his hair. He didn’t need her touching him when he was in here. If Julia found out…if Rosie found out…

“I’m thinking. About theories. Different ones. Lots of them.”

He didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about.

He cleared his throat and stared straight ahead, choosing not to look at Ruth or her bare ankles.

Hm?

Rae cocked her head to the side, watching the boy inching away from her while he rambled about thoughts she had every confidence he wasn't thinking. Theories? Different ones?

Yeah. And she was the Easter Bunny.

His bad lie could be ignored; she hadn't exactly come for explanations anyway, but it was the way he removed her hand from his hair before he'd moved away that caught her attention. It was decidedly not like Benji at all and was starting to confirm what she'd managed to convince herself she'd only been imagining.

Curious, indeed.

Rae scooted again, moving so she could be next to him again. For a brief moment, she followed his gaze, wondering what he might have been looking at that was so much better than her. There was nothing. Stained glass mermaids that combed their hair and gave the occasional giggle. Nothing the boy hadn't probably seen a bunch of times by now.

"You don't seem all that busy to me," she cooed, raking her hands through his hair again. "I swapped my library shift to come find you." The last one of the evening before curfew. Rae could've spent it stacking books and watching the stragglers who thought the weekend was when they wanted to be studying or she could find her boyfriend as she'd done now. It would come back to bite her in the morning now that she had the earliest shift--on a Sunday, but Rae had been impatient to find him and didn't want to wait.

"I can join you," she offered, choosing to ignore how weird he was being. For now, it still suited her fantasy to believe it was all in her head.

Benji Laurence wasn't avoiding her.

When she'd come back to school, he'd kissed her on the head, held her, and told her she was still the prettiest girl in the world. She wanted to believe that. She needed to. Every time she caught her reflection in the mirror, a part of her soul died.

No one made a big deal about how she'd returned to school--not to her face at least--and she was grateful for that.

But, she was missing a different sort of reassurance, the kind that would make her believe those softly spoken words. "Or you could get dried off. The room of requirements is probably free." She tugged lightly at his hair, gesturing for him to get out of the water so they could go.

"Tell me where you put your stuff and I'll accio them for you."

Whatever moved this along, quickly.

Bless him. Benji was trying. He was trying so hard, and she wasn't letting him have any peace.

He wasn't avoiding her, really. He wanted to be with her. There was nothing more he would have enjoyed than to just lay around in the Room of Requirement all day and feel her head on his chest. He would have loved to breath in the sweet scent that always breezed from her dark coils, and stare into this brown eyes that looked at him with so much love.

But he couldn't. He couldn't do any of those things. Because if he did, he'd wanna do more things. And those things would lead to them possibly getting caught. And that would lead to him being pulled from school and effectively imprisoned until university.

He loved Rae, but he wasn't Rosie. And his mind wouldn't last longer than two weeks before he'd rather end it all and say he had a good run.

"You don't seem all that busy to me."

Oh, but he was. Very busy. Busy trying to ignore that ache was building up inside of him.

"I swapped my library shift to come find you."

"Sweet of you, pretty girl," he said, still staring straight ahead. "We could go to the Great Hall? Go eat something?" Food was a good distraction. If he stared at the food and focused on gorging himself, he wouldn't think about other things he wanted to do, or soft lips he wanted to snog. And she'd be proper grossed out by him watching him stuff himself stupid.

Win, win.

"I can join you."

Benji let out a small sound that sounded like a high pitched groan. She could join him? GODS. What the fuck had he done in his previous life to deserve a punishment like his uncle's threat when this girl sat right here at the edge of the tub, offering to join him? It was the worst torture and he thought to find someone to complain to about it. He may even write James and complain that this was BY FAR the worst thing that had ever happened to him.

And Benji had almost been killed by a psychopath once.

"Or you could get dried off. The room of requirements is probably free."

She was close again, having chased him a little along the edge of the tub. He...he could get dried off, yes. If maybe she gave him some privacy first. The boy wasn't bashful by any means, and rather proud of himself, but...Merlin.

"Tell me where you put your stuff and I'll accio them for you."

"I-I can get them," he said with a little shrug, making a small move along the bench again. Another few feet away. He felt terrible. Should he tell her what was going on? Or would it just make things worse? Surely not knowing was worse, right?

"Do you mind, maybe not looking?" he asked, finally turning his hazel eyes to her pretty brown.

"Please?" A small mercy, that's all he wanted.

Oh, he was trying alright.

Her patience.

Rae's brows lifted at his suggestion that they head to the great hall instead. The Great Hall...? To eat something...? It was summer at the conservatorium all over again. Back then, Benji had been so desperate to leave that he'd lost all sense of time and what that would realistically mean for his stomach. "Benji...it's gonna be curfew within the hour. There's no food in the great hall." Did he wanna guess what else wouldn't be in the great hall? Them. They wouldn't be in the great hall because they were either heading to the RoR or he was gonna stop being so ridiculous and they could remain here.

It had been a while since she'd paused long enough to soak in the pool. Usually, she was in a rush, in and out, getting done what needed to be done. Honestly, it was a bad habit. For all the grief the badge had earned her, she should have wanted to enjoy the small perks. Curfew skipping wasn't the only good thing, and the pool looked quite inviting.

Then he squeaked.

Benji Cuddrun--lest he forgot who he was--squeaked like a little girl who'd just been told there was a spider in her hair or a boy still too young to worry about his masculinity.

Was it something she'd said? Evidently, but what? She'd only suggested joining him. They'd gone swimming together before. This wasn't much different. He wouldn't even have to swim. At this time of the night, the often grumpy boy didn't like being given more work to do. They could splash about and cuddle a little. She could tell him what she'd heard the portraits talking about on the way up--and other things. They could certainly do those.

"I-I can get them."

...Huh...?

Never mind that. His next words proved far more confusing.

"Do you mind, maybe not looking? Please?"

Rae squinted down at Benji, taking in the boy fully for the first time since she'd entered. "The fuck is wrong with you?" she asked, appraising the boy who was acting so strangely, he may as well be someone else. She...wasn't meant to look? He wanted her to what? To turn around? Look the other way? Give him some privacy?

What sort of twilight zone had she just entered, and where was the exit?

"Stop playing. Get out so we can go."

This little...whatever this was...was wearing on her quickly. It stopped being funny minutes ago.

Apparently it was almost curfew. He'd known that. He'd had dinner. In all his panic and trying to come up with a reason to get them somewhere where both of them would be fully dressed, he'd blown it. He would have sworn, had it not possibly resulted in him looking even worse than he already did, so instead he said nothing. It wasn't unlike the summer at the conservatorium, when he'd been trying to leave that morning and she'd informed him breakfast was already over.

Food was the greatest distraction and death the greatest equalizer. If he couldn't have food, then maybe he'd just have to...

"The fuck is wrong with you?"

Where should he start? That he was now an heir with heavy expectations laid on his shoulders? That she was now too, and there was a level of propriety and respect he now had to mind when it came to Ruth that had never been there before? That their statuses required him to keep his hands to himself and respect her dignity and virtue?

It almost made Benji smirk. Virtue. There were many virtues that Ruth Elliot held.

Anyway.

"Stop playing. Get out so we can go."

Merlin. She barked at him like they'd been married thirty years. He wasn't playing! He needed his clothes, and he needed her to avert her proper American heiress eyeballs so he wasn't scandalizing her with...the absolute vision that he was. He knew what would happen.

He groaned, grabbing his wand from the stone floor next to the tub and accio'd a towel from the cupboard. He looked at her raising his eyebrows and give a little shake of his head. Was she still really going to watch? He'd refuse. Holding the towel up just above the bubbles, so there'd be no accidents, the boy stood quickly, wrapping it around himself before she could get a glimpse.

"Fine," he muttered and nodded her towards the door. "I'll be out in a minute."

He'd try the tub again another day when Ruth Elliot wasn't stalking him.

Benji was...in a word....unbelievable. Truly. Rae had dared to hope this new modesty the boy had taken on was nothing more than another little joke he decided to play in this seemingly never-ending ruse, but then...he wrapped himself in his towel. No quips, no banter, just a bashful boy with his back turned until he'd been able to properly cover himself.

It would have been bad but bearable had it ended there but no, he gestured her out. He was actually making her leave before he got dressed.

She wanted to call it nerve, but at this point, she didn't know where to begin diving in. Even before they'd been dating, Benji had never been...shy. On the contrary, the Hufflepuff had always wanted her to see. He'd always liked how openly she appreciated his muscles after Quidditch practice when he tugged his shirt off to help cool down from all the exertion. Sometimes, he was one of the players who just walked around the locker room. Sure, he wasn't flaunting anything about, but showing skin had never been a hang-up for him.

Even with all that, somehow, it STILL managed to get so much worse.

Benji came out alright, and when he did, he took them to the library. The boy kept rambling about needing to help his mother--a woman who seemed perfectly clueless to whatever 'help' he was meant to be offering when they got there. By then, it was too late. Benji had planted himself at a desk overlooking the library's front desk. It was right in the open where Julia and the assistant working the desk could see.

To add insult to the already grievous injury...the fucking boy...offered her a book...and began to insist on what a good read it would be for her.

Rae could've sworn she heard a sigh of relief as she got up and stomped off. It was a waste of a perfectly good night, and now she had library duty first thing in the morning.

UGH.

---

Friday, January 28, 1921,
A patch of grass near the lake
5PM

"Hold still!"

Rae huffed loudly, winded by the unrequested exercise she'd been getting for the last ten or so minutes. Her limbs flailed wildly as she tried to resist Benji resisting her. At every turn, his stronger arms took hold of hers, pushing her off, albeit firm but gently.

It was safe to say this wasn't what she'd meant when she suggested they spend some time together. Her boyfriend was still acting weird. More and more, the boy was finding reasons to keep his hands off her. Asking for a snog had become damn near close to asking him to blow up a Muggle bus full of children, and the boy looked equally as scandalised. It wasn't just snogs either. The closets they used to frequent had been left alone, and the little detours they took between classes were no more. All it took was a hand on the boy's knee for him to go stiff as a board and remove it.

They weren't broken up, she knew that much. Benji would've told her if they were, and she'd have told him plainly that they weren't.

But then...if not broken up, what was all this? The boy acted like she had contracted the black plague itself!

"Stop. Fighting. Me."

Rae wrapped her legs around his middle as he sat there in the grass, wrapping both arms around his shoulders before finally heaving a heavy sigh of relief. PHEW. It had taken a lot out of her to wrangle him into this position and to wrangle herself into his lap, but there was something to be said for her determination.

"You said we could cuddle. Why are you being so weird about it?"

She wiggled, trying to get herself more comfortable in her hard-won victory. "There, now you can tell me all about your day."

"Hold still!"

HE WOULD NOT.

God, what was her problem?! It was a rhetorical question, Benji knew as he hoisted her off of his lap for the seventeenth time, flinging her down in the grass to make a point. The girl was tiny and mighty, but he still had a good sixty pounds on her and could easily throw her around like a ragdoll when he needed to. She wasn't getting it. He'd said over and over that she couldn't be climbing all over him anymore. He hadn't explained why - hadn't had a chance to amongst her wails, shrieks and protests.

They weren't broken up and he had no intention of breaking up. Benji liked having Rae as his girlfriend and knew that there wasn't any other girl he'd treat even half as well as he tried to treat her. He had no interest in anyone else, and she always made him smile.

Perhaps always was a stretch. Often. She made him smile often.

"Would you just..." Benji grunted as he swatted her hands away from him, attempting to grab her again by her middle to remove her, but she wrapped her legs around him, clinging to him like a baby sloth. He struggled, as she barked at him to stop fighting, and he had half a mind to tug the girl by her slowly-returning girls and remove her. But he wouldn't.

He wasn't that kind of bloke.

He was just an annoyed one who didn't want to lose every last scrap of freedom he had. He'd seen Rosie sitting out here by herself just an hour ago - probably avoiding her boyfriend too - and she was probably still around the area somewhere. She'd ratted him out already about the drugs. She'd probably rat him out about Rae sitting in his lap.

In all his ponderings, the girl had somehow gotten her arms around his neck, and Benji went stiff as a board, his arms flopping limply to his side as he expression fell to exasperation.

"You said we could cuddle. Why are you being so weird about it?"

"Not like this," he growled, especially when she wiggled, and he shifted so she wasn't sitting squarely in the middle of his lap. If anyone saw them, they'd see Benji was trying to resist. But he was in a hostage situation now. "I'm not being weird. You're being weird."

He was being weird. He knew it. He hadn't explained to her his reasonings still, and it was probably better he get on it with it, but he really wasn't ready for the throat punch that he knew would accompany her reaction.

"There, now you can tell me all about your day."

OH COULD HE?! He scowled and let out a very exasperated sigh, not trying to be mean, but not knowing what else he was supposed to do here. "It was fine," he said, with a slight shrug. "Seriously, we can lay in the grass. I'll put my arm under you and you can lay on my shoulder yeah? It doesn't have to be so...like this. It's hot, you know?"

It was January. It was not hot.

"Not like this."

Not like this? NOT LIKE THIS??

Rae huffed so hard that it made her lungs hurt. This boy, this sweet boy she'd convinced herself she was in love with, had been escalating in his insanity. They couldn't cuddle like this, they couldn't hold hands like that, he had to give her quick kisses--preferably on the cheek and he bolted the moment she put her hands on him, no lap sitting, only side hugs, and they...weren't broken up?

"Then how the fuck else are we meant to cuddle, Benji? Circe, do you even hear yourself?"

Dark eyes bore into his hazel, not for the first time, trying to figure out what might have gotten into him to have him behaving the way he was.

She knew...she knew that she didn't look quite the same. She didn't have curls for him to coil his fingers around, and her skin had lost its honey glow, but...but she was still her, and he'd said she was still beautiful.

Then he turned around and made her feel like this.

She was back to square one, grovelling for his affection in a losing game while he huffed and puffed himself full of exasperation, and...she couldn't understand why. Had she done something, or was he just not into her when she was like this? Her stomach sank at the thought. It had only been a week, and she knew she needed patience, but there had been no real changes yet with the potions Julia had given her.

'Be patient,' the woman had said, but how could be she when her boyfriend was actively falling out of love with her with each day that passed?

Rae's first instinct was panic. It wasn't the sort that made you run away or even the sort that made you tone things down. It was the raw sort that had her clinging tighter, like a drowning man thrown a life vest out at sea. She was too close to the situation to realise it wasn't the way to go about it, too frantic to give it the sort of thought it needed for maintaining her pride and self-respect. All she knew was how fiercely the boy was fighting to keep some distance from her and how much it hurt behind those stubborn, insistent actions of hers.

"I'm not being weird. You're being weird."

She...was being weird? Said the boy who'd just nudged her off the centre of his lap, pushing her toward his thighs.

"It was fine. Seriously, we can lay in the grass. I'll put my arm under you and you can lay on my shoulder yeah? It doesn't have to be so...like this."

"I don't want to lie in the gra--"

"It's hot, you know?"

Rae deadpanned at him. Hot. With the January chill doing everything it could to creep past her warning charms...

Hot.

It was...he thought...hot.

Her lips parted, but every time she tried to speak, they closed again. What did she even say to that?

He felt bad, in every possible way he could. It didn't escape Benji's notice that every time he had to reject her, every time he had to remove himself or even lessen the touches between them, she looked more and more confused. Worse, she was beginning to look heartbroken, and...he didn't know what else to do.

He could tell her, sure. But all it would do was upset her more and make her question the way he valued her. He valued Rae as a person, as the girl he loved and wanted for himself. But James had made it clear that more than that, he had to respect what she now symbolized. It was a strange idea he had never been presented with. People were just people before he had been brought into this world, and now - he had to view them as positions as well.

His cousin was a prime example. Rosalie was a girl with status and a name behind her, and that meant she was supposed to somehow be unattainable for blokes like Cassian, preserved for a man befitting her, and whom the family could leverage. Benji thought it was a crock of shit. Rosie was great, but she was just a girl - like Rae. And his friend deserved Rosie, if nothing else for the simple fact that she loved him.

It wasn't that he didn't deserve Rae, James had told him. It was that if her father wanted her preserved, then he needed to respect that. It was stupid, and he hated it. But he didn't know what else he was supposed to do. Defy his family?

He knew better.

"Then how the fuck else are we meant to cuddle, Benji? Circe, do you even hear yourself?"

He set his jaw, biting at the inside of his cheek, not wanting to argue but fuck! She just wasn't getting it and she was making it all the more hard for both of them. "It's not a fucking big deal, Rae! I just..." He sighed, almost as heavily as she did.

"I don't want to lie in the gra--

Well, they were gonna. In one swift motion, the boy spun them both onto their sides, laying them in the grass. He went flat on his back, keeping an arm underneath her, letting his hand rest firmly against her waist. There. Laying side by side like two...friends.

No one could get angry about that.

"See?" he said, pushing the image of her deadpanned eyes out of his head as he stared pointedly up at the sky. "This is better."

"It's not a fucking big deal, Rae! I just..."

"You just what?" she insisted.

This had been him since her return. Sentences that trailed off into nothing, explanations that never quite materialised, and a whole lot of deflection. "Just tell me so we can fight about it and move on already!" The girl had had enough of this weird place they were in. She despised uncertainty, especially when it came to where she stood with the people she cared about. It was clear that Benji was holding something in, and even clearer, he had every intention of carrying this on into eternity if she let him.

"I don't understand what all this is--"

WhatWasHeDoing?

Rae squeaked her protest as Benji flipped them. The ground came at her fast, stiff blades of grass all but crunching as she came crashing down...side by side...like she'd told him she didn't want to be.

Her anger flared immediately.

It wasn't an olive branch or compromise; it was a dismissal, like all the others had been. The boy who didn't say they were broken up was finding newer and newer ways to ensure they shared no intimacy to speak of. For whatever reason, he was hell-bent on making sure their friendship shone through in all the amicable, sweet little ways she wanted nothing to do with.

Reaching her hands out, Rae shoved against him before shooting upright like an arrow. "GET OFF ME!" If that was how he wanted to touch her, then he could keep his hands to himself.

The Slytherin girl sprang to her feet with the sort of fury that followed a storm. Her face had grown as red as her vision, her heart suddenly hammering. Rae could feel herself shaking, her confusion and humiliation rising in equal portions until they became a mighty torrent she could scarcely keep in. Looking down at him, watching the exasperation continue to mar his features, it set something off inside her.

As if he wasn't the one doing this.

As if he wasn't the reason she was contemplating murder.

It was more than her feeble self-control could manage. That huff, that soft exhale as if he were the one trying to rein it in, set every nerve on fire. "This is so fucking stupid!" Without warning, her foot rose before jamming itself in his side as hard as she dared without wanting to cause serious injury. There was only enough restraint to prevent them both from needing a trip to the hospital wing, but there was still enough force behind it to make her spiralling feelings clear as day.

She kicked him a second time as he tried to roll away, but refrained from a third.

Rae sucked in the biggest breath she could, screaming through lips that were pressed shut before whirling around to face the castle.

"Cuddle your fucking self in the fucking grass, you fucking moron!"

She would go find something else to do.

"You just what? Just tell me so we can fight about it and move on already!"

That was the thing, he didn't want to fight about it, because there were no winners here. Fighting about it wouldn't change anything. Benji would still have to restrain himself - and her apparently - except then she would be in his ear complaining about how he didn't have to follow rules. That they could do whatever they wanted, when he knew good and well they couldn't. He...he didn't need that in his head. This was better. She could be mad and eventually she'd get used to it and move on.

"GET OFF ME!"

Merlin, she was ridiculous. The boy rolled his eyes, moving his arm away from her obediently and tucking it behind his head instead. Fine. She wanted to throw a tantrum and scream, she could do it and he would lay here and take it. It wasn't anything new. Anytime Rae got upset or got her feelings hurt this was how she reacted. Loud, shrieking...violent. That was probably coming next.

"This is so fucking stupid!"

It was, it really was. He didn't know how to agree with her without having to expose everything, but she'd wear herself out in a few minutes and -

OOF.

A sharp pain shot through his side and up into his lungs, forcing the air from his chest in one harsh gasp. He folded halfway over, grimacing as the breath tore out of him, the impact blooming across his ribs like fire beneath the skin. For a second, it was all he could do not to crumple over, his hand flying instinctively to his side as he wheezed, eyes watering from the shock of it.

Was she...was she fucking crazy?!

As if to answer the question, another kick came, expelling another puff of air and a cough that prevented him from catching his breath.

Fuck.

"Cuddle your fucking self in the fucking grass, you fucking moron!"

"Yeah alright!" he shouted, throwing up his hand in a rude gesture as he clutched his side, "Don't fucking talk to me until you can do it without acting insane!" Girls. At this point, he may as well be a bachelor. It was definitely safer and better for his health.

"Yeah, alright! Don't fucking talk to me until you can do it without acting insane!"

It was just like him. He was acting all kinds of weird, but she was the crazy one for reacting. Always, every time. Should she have kicked him? She didn't know, probably, probably not. There were maybe better ways of venting her frustrations but someone had shut down one such avenue, and the girl who was already wound up didn't have the first clue how to keep from exploding when he continued to be...to be...like this.

"Fine!" she screamed, stopping momentarily to turn and face him. She whirled around again, grumbling beneath her breath about the ridiculousness that was Benji Launrence.

Imagine the nerve to make her the crazy one.

Hot in January and she was insane.

---

Sunday, February 5, 1921,
The library
1:18PM

She'd done exactly what he said.

For the last week or so, Rae had kept her distance from Benji, deciding she wasn't done being insane and wouldn't be rushed along in the process. There were steps, levels that needed to be passed through. The girl had needed time to think, really think about what was happening, what Benji might have been trying to tell her, and where that left her. She'd needed time to get it through her system and for her not to suddenly burn with anger every time she'd seen his face and remembered his suggestion that they lie in the grass.

They might as well have been siblings. Cut from the same cloth. Sharing the same mother.

She wasn't burning anymore.

Rae entered the library, knowing he would be on duty at this time. Her legs took her reluctantly through the aisles, a part of her praying he'd skipped his shift completely and she would have to try again some other time. Apologies could always wait. There was no definitive timeline on them, surely.

Unfortunately, as she entered the section on magical world history, she immediately spotted the head of sandy brown waves attached to the boy crouching as he returned a book to its shelf.

She hesitated at the top of the aisle, her heart suddenly racing at what she neither wanted nor felt prepared to do. She supposed, though, that she was less prepared to have the summer repeat itself. There was no need for another silent war. They'd barely survived the last one. Quietly, she sank to the floor next to him, pulling her knees up to her chest. The girl looked over her shoulder to make sure they wouldn't be interrupted by a bauble before reaching into her robes and pulling out the muffin she'd taken from the kitchen before heading up here.

Rae extended it to him wordlessly, still mustering what she knew she would need for actual conversation.

It had been an incredibly long week.

Benji wasn't unfamiliar with the girl's absence in his life. It was a pattern they'd been in since they'd first met as eleven-year-olds. Over and over again, they'd start out fine, happy, thick as thieves. And then something would happen to piss one or both of them off. They'd scream, fight, sometimes she'd hit, and they'd take on an uncomfortable silence until someone finally bent.

It didn't make it any easier when it happened. Fights with Rae always left him feeling like he was drifting in a sea of emptiness, lost without his lighthouse to lead him back to shore. He knew, better than anyone else, that he had a difficult time with being romantic and all the things she wanted. He knew - now - he was keeping more to his chest than he probably should have. Benji Cuddrun would never. He would shout his frustration to everyone that would listen, ensure Rae knew exactly where she stood with him.

Benji Laurence was a different story. He had to be.

Right?

But fuck. Was it worth it? When she avoided him? When he...said what he said and refused to touch more than a light hand-hold. When she screamed and kicked? It didn't feel worth it, but, he didn't know what to do.

So he busied himself. Mostly in the library. He hated it, but it was quiet and he'd be left to himself while he figured his shit out. He had spent the better part of the week in here, much to Julia's delight. She was always going on about how he needed to be more present for his duties and take them seriously. Too bad for his mum he wasn't, but he was happy she was happy at least.

Footsteps sounded next to him, and he braced himself to be inundated with library questions. For some reason, people seemed to like to come to him when he was on shift, even though he went out of his way to be as unhelpful as possible. He slid the book into the shelf and only looked up when the person was crouching down beside him.

His eyes softened as he let out a deep breath and sat back on his bottom, pulling his knees to his chest just like she did. She was quiet, didn't say anything, but just her presence next to him was enough to bring him more comfort than she even knew.

God, he hated fighting with her.

Her hand extended, a muffin in the palm of it. He felt a soft smile perk at the corners of his mouth as he took it, stuffing it into his robe for later. Without hesitation he scooted closer to her, wrapping his arm around her shoulder and dropping a kiss on the top of her head.

He took the muffin. All wasn't lost.

The week past had been long, and it had been isolating. It had also been illuminating. Rae had ensured she felt her rage in every possible way, venting long into the nights the frustrations that haunted her during the day. She'd screamed where no one could hear, and she'd hit things that didn't easily break. A sum of her ire had been reserved for herself, and she hadn't held back.

Now she just wanted not to fight. Now the girl wanted what little peace could be gained from a truce while she figured out the rest.

The most important part was the truce.

Her gaze shifted when Benji scooted closer, watching him from the corner of her eyes. She didn't react to the arm wrapped around her shoulder, nor did she acknowledge the kiss at the top of her head. The gesture that would've, in the past, filled her with warmth and relief offered her...nothing. It was a scary realisation. Rae dug deep for the warmth, thinking it must've been buried under the layers of confusion and residual anger, but there truly was...nothing.

Nothing but a hollowness in her chest and a sense of uncertainty as to what she was meant to feel.

Maybe she wasn't meant to feel anything. Nothing had been fixed, after all. They'd stopped talking for a week at his direction and her stubbornness; she'd offered him a muffin, and he offered her a kiss on the top of her now wavy head of hair.

Did anything else change? She didn't think so. Rae still didn't know what had propelled them into this new reality that showed no signs of ending. She'd done what she'd promised. She'd tried to talk. She'd asked him to talk. All he'd done was say everything was fine and that she was making a bigger deal of things than was necessary. What did that leave her with? Resignation? Was that the heaviness in her chest? It was hard to say.

"How's your side?"

In the absence of what else she could do, Rae chose to focus on the tangible. She'd likely kicked him hard enough for him to bruise, but she hadn't seen him in the hospital wing at any point that week, looking for treatment.

It must not have been that bad.

"Does it still hurt?"

"How's your side?"

Benji shrugged a bit. It was still tender. The bruise that had grown green and purple near his ribs was clearing up, and it hadn’t really affected him all that much besides being annoying. He’d taken worse hits from bludgers. And…other things.

"Does it still hurt?"

“Nah,” he said quietly, not really sure how it would have mattered if it did. He was a tough boy and could handle a kick or two. It didn’t mean he liked it, but he wasn’t the type to moan and whine or make it out to be bigger than it was. Rae had issues keeping her hands to herself when she was angry - always had. He knew, someday, she’d probably grow out of it. He wasn’t the type to hit or try to hurt a girl, even in self-defense, so the sooner she could figure that out the better.

But he wasn’t fussed.

“I’m fine, really.” Was she? She didn’t seem any better than she had before. If anything she seemed quieter, more resigned. “What about you?” he asked, watching warily as a bauble floated overhead. He wondered for a moment if it was going to start shrieking their names, but it seemed unbothered for once, and wandered off again after a moment.

“Are you alright?”

Benji was fine. There was never a scenario where she assumed he wouldn't be, after all, she hadn't kicked him that hard, but Rae allowed herself the small relief at his answer anyway. It didn't hurt, and he likely wasn't in need of medical attention. He also didn't seem nearly as mad about it as he'd been the day she kicked him.

They'd both needed the time for cooler heads to prevail after her unrepentant stunt. She knew it would've been the case. In the middle of her own fury, Rae had understood the simple principle that when you kicked someone twice in the side, you'd already lost the battle to have them cuddle you. Throw in his angry words, and it had been easier to stay away from him.

There was a deeper truth, too. For as long as he intended to keep up his little charade, everything she did would be considered insane. Why bother?

“Are you alright?”

I'm not."

There wasn't any point in lying, was there? She wasn't alright, didn't feel alright, and probably hadn't been alright since her stay at Grantham Hall. The girl was tired, beaten down by a never-ending cycle of forced change and stripped autonomy. When she'd returned to Hogwarts, Rae had been looking forward to the return to normalcy and routine. She'd been craving the little things she'd taken for granted, like being out of her bed for as long as she wanted to, like Benji's affections, like...like knowing where she stood with the people who mattered the most to her.

She was back to her restless nighttime roaming, and many of her routines were the same, yet her entire world felt as if it had been upended. Now she was left to try fitting the pieces back together, and no matter how hard she jammed them back into place...they no longer fit.

Her shoulders rose in a helpless shrug as her own gaze locked onto the passing bauble. The last thing she needed was to have it screeching in her face over sins she hadn't committed.

"But I suppose I will be." She had to be. Rae didn't want to keep feeling like this. The young Slytherin didn't want to spend her days feeling discarded and not good enough, nor did she want to spend her days pondering what she could've done to have the boy's mind change so drastically. Moping and sulking didn't help; they only made her feel worse. In the same vein, she didn't want to keep pressing for answers and being told she was the one making things into a bigger deal than they were.

She wrapped her arms around her shins, resting her chin against her knees. "I shouldn't have kicked you." The jury was still out on that, in truth, but she was nearly certain now that she shouldn't have. "I just didn't know what else to do." Nothing had been working. "And then you flipped me and I just...lost it."

Dark eyes shifted up to meet his, clouding with new resolve. "But I'll be fine. You don't have to worry about me getting in the way of whatever..." One hand pulled away to wave vaguely about. "This has been."

She wasn't. He could have gathered that, he supposed. It didn't go unnoticed how she didn't lean into his arm, or acknowledge the kiss he'd given her in any way. Could he really blame her? He supposed not, if he had to really think about it. He'd been off, acting weird and she was confused. He wasn't helping things by not explaining, but...

"But I suppose I will be."

He nodded slightly. Yeah, of course. They both would be, wouldn't they? Nothing lasted forever, Benji told himself, and even if they weren't on the same level plane right now, they'd figure things out. It really wasn't all that big a deal at the end of the day, was it? He was just following orders, and eventually Rae would understand that. She would have to, if she was going to be successful in this world too. And...her father didn't seem the type to let her be unsuccessful. The bruise on her jaw had been evidence enough of that.

"I shouldn't have kicked you. I just didn't know what else to do. And then you flipped me and I just...lost it."

Benji took a deep breath, thinking carefully over his next words. He knew he needed to tread lightly, but there was one thing he knew he needed to be firm about. "You can't hurt me when you're mad anymore," he said quietly, "You can't punch or kick or any of those things. I don't put my hands on you, no matter how angry I am." He looked at her, trying to catch her gaze and make sure she understood, "We're not little kids anymore." She understood that, right? She understood that beating up on him when she was upset was...wrong, yeah? You didn't hit the people you loved.

"But I'll be fine. You don't have to worry about me getting in the way of whatever...this has been."

It was his turn to apologize. Even if Rae hadn't said the words, he knew this was as close as she was getting, and he needed to reciprocate. But what was an apology worth without an explanation? "I'm sorry," he began, withdrawing his arm and turning so he could face her. "I don't really know how to explain it in a way that won't make you angrier but," he pursed his lips and held up his hands in resignation before dropping them back on the floor.

"Your dad came and talked to James, and I got a talking to over Christmas. Basically, I was told that your new position requires a certain level of respect, and I'm supposed to keep my hands off you if it's not in a...I don't know...proper way I guess."

He sighed and gave a little shake of his head. "I don't really have much of a choice, Rae. It wasn't anything you did or didn't do."

"You can't hurt me when you're mad anymore. You can't punch or kick or any of those things. I don't put my hands on you, no matter how angry I am. We're not little kids anymore."

In a better mood, she may have asked him which it was. Rae seemed to remember the Hufflepuff insisting they were still kids. Stupid kids who had no business having kids themselves. He still had some of his baby teeth, that was what he'd said, wasn't it? The memory caused the smallest tug upward at the corner of her lips before they ultimately dipped into a deep grimace.

He was right, she knew he was. She'd be 15 in July, two years out from being of age. Too old to keep letting him provoke the most intense reactions in her. Too old to keep clawing and scraping and scratching and begging for answers that weren't coming and trying to force herself into things she'd been left out of.

She shouldn't have kicked him. It should never have been allowed to get that far. The first 'no' should've been enough, for her own sake. Thinking back, Rae could've saved herself nearly three weeks of being worked up. All that fuss, all the screaming and violence just to end up in exactly the same place she'd been in when she first returned to school. It didn't change anything; it didn't make anything better. On the contrary, it filled her with the sort of anger and resentment that led to the kick...s.

"You're right," she agreed without fuss. "I won't."

Would it be that simple in practice? She doubted it. While Rae was getting better at controlling her impulses, there were still times when her entire body shook from the anger burning inside her. Those days, when she was seeing everything in different shades of red, it all became so much harder. She wouldn't, though, not anymore. If Benji could find other things to hit in his rage, so could she.

"I'm sorry. I don't really know how to explain it in a way that won't make you angrier, but."

That was never a good place to start. Rae braced for whatever would come next, understanding that it wouldn't be any sort of news she was willing to hear. At the same time, how much worse could it get?

Things were already awful.

"Basically, I was told that your new position requires a certain level of respect, and I'm supposed to keep my hands off you if it's not in a...I don't know...proper way I guess."

"What?" The word left her mouth before she could fully process all he said. Her father--if the man could be considered that--and...his uncle...? Her new...her new what? A proper way? Her? Rae's brows came together as she watched the boy. She wondered if he could hear himself, and whether, in his mind, the words were actually making sense--because they weren't to her. None of them were.

"And you decided to listen--just like that? Didn't even tell me, no warning, just you listening, no fight, no let's talk about this--"

"I don't really have much of a choice, Rae."

"There's always a choice, Benji. You chose to shut me out. You chose to let them decide how you made me feel."

She'd been done with anger--had promised herself she was no longer mad and that she'd managed to reel in the strong emotions. Now, now, she felt like someone had poured gasoline in her veins before handing Benji the match. All her questioning, all the things she'd thought about herself, and it was because he decided to give a fuck about what her father and his uncle said. Nothing she did. Nothing she hadn't done. Just a boy who'd suddenly decided silent obedience was the spark that kept a relationship going.

"You've got some nerve, Cuddrun. Or, you used to."

"You're right. I won't."

Good, then nothing else needed to be said about it. Benji had no illusions that he was the abused boyfriend cowering from his violent little girlfriend. He wasn't, and she wasn't. But it wasn't a practice he wanted continued throughout their relationship and if this ever became something one day - something big - then he didn't want his kids thinking it was normal.

He'd grown up in a volatile home and it had fucked with him and his sister in horrific ways. It wasn't something that he wanted to tolerate in his life anymore. And he knew, Rae didn't want to either. She was like him in a lot of ways, especially when it came to impulse control. He wasn't angry, he didn't blame her. He just needed it to stop.

Besides, there wouldn't have been room to argue it further. The look on her face after he'd dropped his mini bomb told him they had pivoted to a whole new reason for her to be pissed with him. Or - just an expanded-upon reason. Merlin. This was what he had dreaded and he knew exactly where it was going.

"And you decided to listen--just like that? Didn't even tell me, no warning, just you listening, no fight, no let's talk about this--"

"Let me explain..." he tried, but she was on a roll, and there was no stopping the girl once she was on it. It was better to let her get it out.

"There's always a choice, Benji. You chose to shut me out. You chose to let them decide how you made me feel."

No, there really wasn't. She had to know that, right? This wasn't the fucking streets anymore, where a bad choice's consequences were easily avoided by how fast one could run or hide. This was so much bigger than anything the two of them had ever faced before. It wasn't just them. They were part of a machine now, strong, turning, and they weren't the operators. They could be angry. They could rebel. But the machine would win.

Wouldn't it?

"You've got some nerve, Cuddrun. Or, you used to."

"Oh, I see," he muttered, biting at the inside of his cheek before a puff of air escaped his lips in an incredulous laugh. "Now I've lost my nerve because I don't fancy being locked away in a fucking castle for the next three years? Where I'd never see you. Never get to write to you or talk to you." He shook his head, running his hand through his sandy waves. "You don't get it. If I don't keep my fucking hands off you and treat you how your dad and my uncle demand, then it's over. All of it. We won't have a choice anyway."

He sighed, leaning back with resignation on his hands. "And don't call me Cuddrun, just because you're mad. I don't make the fucking rules." One day he would, but that day was a long way off.