The Erumpent In The Room || Bae snaps

"Now I've lost my nerve because I don't fancy being locked away in a fucking castle for the next three years? Where I'd never see you. Never get to write to you or talk to you."

"Spare me," Rae groaned, not in the mood to be told of consequences. Everything had consequences. Choosing to have extra butter on toast had consequences; sleeping in an extra five minutes had consequences. Defiance certainly had consequences, a gaggle of them that could often be monumental depending on the offense. Ruth Anaya had always been of the belief that if consequences were enough of a deterrent, then you neither wanted nor deserved the thing as much as you'd first thought. It was why she never hesitated, never stopped to be told of dangers. If she wanted something, it didn't matter what came after.

The girl was a wild inferno that burned, never considering the things that would catch fire in her wake. There was a reason she'd racked up so many detentions, why she had her own desk down in that hall. Rae was never oblivious to consequences, only indifferent to them against the backdrop of her own desires.

Benji wasn't the same. She'd known that for a while now. He was the more cautious of the two. He'd been the one hesitating over what could go wrong while she'd focused on everything that could go right should they get together. He was the one who wanted to run when the talk got heavy, afraid of where it might lead, while she barricaded the door, prepared to be consumed by the heat of whatever rage was needed for them to be okay.

He was the one who decided to keep away from her and keep her in the dark, while she was prepared to feed her father his own heart on a silver platter if that was what it took. Rae did not fear punishment; she feared her life ending because she was too afraid of them to live.

"You don't get it. If I don't keep my fucking hands off you and treat you how your dad and my uncle demand, then it's over. All of it. We won't have a choice anyway."

"No, YOU don't get it. If you keep treating me the way my fucking father and your uncle demand, it WILL be over!"

Who the FUCK did he think he was? Who the fuck did he think SHE was?

"What's the plan here? Genuinely?" She demanded. "You hold off, continue whatever the fuck this is. This standoff ends when you say it does, huh? When they loosen your leash and tell you you can start living again." Fucking ridiculous. "Let me guess, you'll waltz back in with your chest puffed and that goofy grin, grab me with all that macho bravado and charm, and tell me 'hey, good news, I can start treating you in a way that makes you feel like a person again and not someone else's property! Let's snog'!"

A seamless end to the war. A fairytale like no other.

"And me? The swooning damsel in her tower, starved and told how she's to be treated, I'll fall into your arms with a sigh of relief that finally, finally, things are back to normal like none of this ever happened. You listen, you do what they say, and you're girlfriend will be waiting for you to really enjoy as a reward for your diligent work, yeah? Did I get that right?"

She couldn't make this shit up.

"And don't call me Cuddrun, just because you're mad. I don't make the fucking rules."

She rose to her feet, derision curling the corner of her lips. "No, you just follow them."

Gooooooooooood.

It never ended. It never got better. It just kept spiraling into more insults, more accusations, more shouts. He wondered, genuinely, if Rae ever - ever - wore herself out. Did she hear herself? Did she even understand what she was saying - no shouting to the entire library?!

"No, YOU don't get it. If you keep treating me the way my fucking father and your uncle demand, it WILL be over!"

Oh. Would it? Interesting. Benji's eyes narrowed with interest. He cocked his head slightly to the side, a strange smile beginning to rise at the corners of his mouth as she ranted. It would be over, would it? That easy for her? In truth, Benji had never thought they'd get to this point. They'd had blow-ups. Catastrophic ones, even. But once they had agreed they were more than friends and wanted to be more than friends, he was certain both of them were willing to work as hard as they could not to end up here.

And for all their good intentions...

"You hold off, continue whatever the fuck this is. This standoff ends when you say it does, huh? When they loosen your leash and tell you you can start living again. Let me guess, you'll waltz back in with your chest puffed and that goofy grin, grab me with all that macho bravado and charm, and tell me 'hey, good news, I can start treating you in a way that makes you feel like a person again and not someone else's property! Let's snog'!"

"Don't do that," he almost sneered, "Don't fucking patronize me." He'd never treated her as anything less than a person and defended her autonomy whenever he'd needed to. This wasn't him treating her as someone else's property. It was just him trying to do right by his family, and hers. So she wouldn't get hit again. So he wouldn't be taken from her, where he couldn't protect her. "You've got the fucking answer to everything, don't you Rae? You're always right, you're just so fucking insightful, and I'm just the blubbering idiot that fucks everything up for you!"

She couldn't even see, maybe didn't want to see, that he was trying here. Maybe he hadn't gone about it the best way, but he was trying. "What the fuck am I supposed to do? Since you know everything and you're right about everything, you tell me what the fuck I'm supposed to do when my uncle who holds the cards to my entire future tells me I have to do something." He could feel the rage building, stronger and faster now with every second that passed.

"You're the one who said I could do this. You're the one who said I was meant for this. Now what? You want me and my sister to end up back on the streets -"

"Benji."

He heard the soft voice of his mother trying to cut in but he wouldn't focus on her. Not when this was fucking happening. Ruth Anaya Elliot had a lot of nerve for such a tiny girl. A lot of nerve. " - is that what you want? So that you can go on at school doing all the things you want?" His chest heaved as he got to his feet with her. "I have people I care about, including you, which is why I'm trying to do the best I can for you. For Kate. For my family. I'm sorry that I'm not fucking Rosalie willing to throw everything away."

"No, you just follow them."

"Oh, give it a fucking rest," he said, exasperation completely flooding him. He threw up his hands. "I don't have a choice here. If you wanna say it'll be over, then say it fully. Say it's over, Rae!"

She almost shoved him.

Almost.

Rae felt the force of everything she held inside rising up her chest and the sudden fire in her arms that almost saw them raising to shove the boy as hard as she could in the chest. The girl could feel the overwhelming sensation that scorched through her, begging to be unleashed in the only way that had ever satisfied. Her fingers twitched, her wrists ached for the force of impact. Her soul cried out to have its vitriol unleashed.

But she'd just said she was done hitting. If nothing else, it was her own words and her own promise. Rae didn't raise her hands to the boy, pulling back just seconds before the action could be carried out. Instead, she slammed the nearby row of books to the floor with a strangled shriek, several heavy tomes and hardcovers clattering to the ground with heavy thuds. Some fell on their spines, some face up with the pages now crushed and bent. Some never opened, oblivious to the violence meted out against them.

And her?

All Rae could do was force in the deepest of breaths, the kind that made her chest rise almost comically as she struggled to contain herself. Julia's voice helped some, removing the edge off her ire so that it no longer cut to hold it in.

He'd told her not to patronise him while he did the same thing.

"and I'm just the blubbering idiot that fucks everything up for you!"

"YOU DID!" Was she meant to deny it? "You DID, Benji! You pulled away. YOU kept secrets and had me thinking this was all my fault.You had me confused because it never occurred to you to fucking say something. Do you think this would've blown up so bad if we'd been in this together from the start--if I'd known what game you were playing and whether I wanted anything to do with it? You did all this, then expected me to what? To what, Benji? Nod and say it's all okay? That I wasn't hurt? That I understand? I DON'T!" And she wouldn't pretend she did for the benefit of making any of this easier for him when he'd chosen this hard road to begin with.

"...you tell me what the fuck I'm supposed to do when my uncle who holds the cards to my entire future tells me I have to do something."

"Fucking talk to me before you go making decisions that affect me!" She erupted. "How are you not getting this? Why are you acting like you don't understand that all of this is fucked up? What happens when they change the rules again? If your uncle decides he's found you a nice girl, and you need to leave me alone altogether because she's gonna be your wife someday? What happens then?" The edge of anger in her voice was replaced by momentary despair. He'd already proven he'd do what they said, regardless of what she thought or how it would make her feel. What would prevent him from doing everything else they told him, no matter what they told him?

"Where does it end?"

"I have people I care about, including you, which is why I'm trying to do the best I can for you. For Kate. For my family. I'm sorry that I'm not fucking Rosalie willing to throw everything away."

Right there. That was where it ended.

"Oh, give it a fucking rest. I don't have a choice here. If you wanna say it'll be over, then say it fully. Say it's over, Rae!"

She shook her head slowly, her feet slowly moving her away from the boy she hardly recognised. "I never asked you to care about me, not like this, not this way." She shook her head more firmly. He wasn't trying to give it all away, and she supposed he shouldn't have had to. When she'd told him that she believed he could do it, that she believed he deserved it, Rae had never anticipated that it would consume him and turn him into a boy of duty.

What did she do then? He did have a sister to take care of, and she had no castle to offer him if they kicked them out. Billie would probably take them in, but it wouldn't compare to the high life of a duke with power and wealth flowing out of his ears.

"You shouldn't have to be Rosie." Dark eyes washed over him, searching desperately for any traces of the boy she thought she knew. He wasn't there in those hazel eyes that reflected back at her. Where had he gone? "I don't want to be treated the way you've been treating me because someone else told you so. I don't. I refuse." It wasn't that, on its own, she couldn't do without the closer cuddles or the other things they sometimes got up to; it wasn't too great a sacrifice on her part to make. But, it was the principle. They weren't doing it because either wanted to, they were doing it because someone else told them they had no choice.

She wouldn't.

"If you really are determined to keep this up for as long as they say," she sucked in a breath to steady herself, "then, no, I don't want this anymore."

"YOU DID!"

There it was. There was no reason for her to pretend it wasn't how she felt, when he knew good and well it was. Benji also knew good and well, that he did fuck a lot of shit up, but none of it had been on purpose. Everything he'd done had been done with good intentions - did that mean anything? In this moment, it didn't feel like it did, and with every word that poured out of her mouth, the boy felt less and less like himself. Worse, he didn't want to be here anymore.

"This wasn't a decision I could make with you," the boy argued, motioning with his hands to try and get her to understand. "I had to make it then and there, and when I came back you were..." he stopped for a moment, before gathering himself, "You were already in a bad place, and I didn't think that telling you something like that would do anything but make things worse. I get it now, it made it worse anyway. So as you can see, there's no winning here."

Fuck.

"How are you not getting this? Why are you acting like you don't understand that all of this is fucked up? What happens when they change the rules again? If your uncle decides he's found you a nice girl, and you need to leave me alone altogether because she's gonna be your wife someday? What happens then?"

"I don't..." he stopped, feeling his stomach turn over on itself while a great wash of shame poured over him at the realization. Would he fight back? If they told him he had to marry some other girl? If James said it was what was best for the family, would Benji insist on his own desires and refuse to follow orders. "I don't know." It was honest, though he was sure it meant little and probably only resulted in making her feel worse.

Benji knew he'd do absolutely anything for his sister. As much as he loved Rae, as in love with her as he was, Kathryn still came first in his life. And anything that felt like it could be a threat against her safety, security and comfort would be something he'd fight against. He didn't like having to make this choice, but it was one he'd had to make several times before. He didn't want to lose Rae, but he wasn't willing to have himself locked away or worse, have Kate stripped of everything she had come to find comfort in. Would Julia allow that to happen? He...didn't think so, but crazier things had happened.

Why did he have to choose?

She was backing away, the look on her face tearing his heart in two, but he didn't move towards her, didn't try to pull her back.

"I never asked you to care about me, not like this, not this way."

He didn't know what to say. Maybe nothing. Maybe there really was nothing that could be said at this point. Benji had never felt a pain quite like this before. He'd been hurt, broken-hearted by people who'd said they'd loved him and then ripped their affection away from him like it was easy. This wasn't the same. He knew Rae loved him, as much as he loved her, and yet...they were still doing this. Why? Why couldn't they get this fucking right? Had he messed up that badly?

"I don't want to be treated the way you've been treating me because someone else told you so. I don't. I refuse."

He felt tears sting his eyes, but he held them back, biting down hard on his inner lip. His heart began to race, thundering away so that the blood rushed to his head in a dizzying haze. It felt like his world was crumbling around him, in a way he'd never experienced before. He'd told her to say it.

"If you really are determined to keep this up for as long as they say, then, no, I don't want this anymore."

He had been holding his breath, and as the hammer came down, he felt all the air in his chest expel in a sharp sigh. He blinked a few times, pushing the tears further behind his eyes and swallowed hard. It was over then.

It was over.

He nodded slightly, "Okay." It was all he could muster as the world spun around him, as his heart fell through his chest and into his stomach, and as all the love he felt for her exploded into a cataclysm of aching that he'd never felt before.

There was nothing else to say. The boy shoved his hands into his pockets and moved past her to grab his bag from the information desk, even as all the library occupants stared.

"Benji...?"

His mum's voice called for him again, but he merely swung his bag over his shoulder and headed out the main doors.

She was...in a bad place...?

He still wasn't getting it. Her bad place wasn't the issue; it was that, regardless of her place--regardless of the mood she'd have returned to school with, his choice was already made. He'd already decided to pull away from her, had already decided to draw a hard line in the sand before doing everything he could to make sure she couldn't cross. He was right; there was no winning. The fight had been lost the moment the boy had decided to do exactly what he'd been told.

The dagger she felt pressing into her chest took a proper plunge when he told her that he didn't know.

When faced with worse, if made to cut her loose like they'd never had something...he didn't know. But he did. It was a hard answer, but not one she believed for a second that he didn't know. It was all the confirmation Rae needed. This would only get worse. People like James and her father, they didn't stop at the first rung of the ladder. They kept pushing, kept controlling, kept demanding more until you were so turned around you didn't recognise yourself or how you'd gotten there.

Benji would've done it. All the love in the world...and he'd have thrown it away because someone else told him this was how he secured his future.

She had no right to decide that he should want something else, couldn't blame him for wanting that kind of stability. It didn't mean it didn't hurt. The girl was watching in real time as her boyfriend pulled further away, choosing the world that had adopted him with their fancy titles and control. Compared to that, what did she have to offer him? What could she give him that would ever make up for his comforts after the life he'd spent so long living?

Nothing, right?

It was yet another answer that stung.

"Okay."

The final nail in the coffin. Okay. She'd given him the choice to either stop treating her the way he was or end it...and he'd chosen to end it rather than to see her hurt and find a way. It was that easy. The situation was that terrifying for him. Okay. Just. Okay. The boy would rather continue down this path of straight and narrow than come back to her. He'd told her without words that he would keep choosing against her if he had to.

Did that leave anything else?

It didn't. It left nothing but the boy who walked away, bag over his shoulder, while she continued standing there.

Just like that.