I Told You Things || Bae Snaps

Benji was full of sighs, wasn't he?

By now, she had collected enough of them to power a hot air balloon trip across Europe. Rae collected this one, too. Storing it in a corner beneath her ribs, like she'd done all the others. Right where they could continue jabbing at her so she could never forget what a bother she could sometimes be.

His arm went next.

Benji retracted his warmth, folding in on himself like he liked to do. She'd be nothing short of a liar if she said it didn't hurt--didn't it always--but rather than shy away from the pain, she embraced it. Rae let the sting of his pulling away take a lap through her inner circuitry, jolting as it liked. It chased away he numbness, sparking life into hollowing bones.

She knew a girl who would've forced herself back against him, pried his arms open, and returned to her lounging. The girl under the willow merely flopped down onto her back in the crunchy grass to continue her flower work.

He could take all the time he needed and the space if he really needed that, too. Rae wasn't sorry about what she'd said or the decision she'd made. In the last few years, she'd become uncharacteristically indulgent when it came to Benji. She'd let him get away with a lot more than her pride was typically willing to tolerate, chased him through storms of not being wanted, ignored things for the sake of peace, and the belief that effort would see them through. If she was just loud enough, if she just fought hard enough, if she just forced the issue enough, the rest would work itself out. She didn't want to figure this out. Rae didn't want to learn how to bow and scrape with deference, hanging onto every word of someone else who thought they had the right to dictate her future.

If it was something Benji desired, she wouldn't argue, she wouldn't fight, she wouldn't force. She would lie there in the grass, with her warming charms for comfort while she weaved her little bit of happiness, one stem at a time.

"I hope you have fun."

She waited.

And waited.

Then waited some more.

The distinct absence of any reciprocal on his end had her turning her head to look at him. "Staying at the castle for Easter or something?" The boy usually went home, but maybe this year was the exception? "Or planning to be whisked off to one of those secret society meetings? You can tell me," she said, her tone cavalier to the point it bordered on indifference. "You know I won't tell a soul. All those fancy secrets of yours will be safe with me." Her lips stretched with the faintest of amused smirks as brown eyes returned to her growing crown.

Weren't his sort meant to have intrigues and salacious scandals dripping from every hall? If this really was the life he'd chosen, the least he could do was have a good story.

She turned the flowers over in her hand. A spot of orange might work well.

The quiet between them stretched for what felt like hours.

Over the years, Benji had become accustomed to the way Rae managed her feelings whether good or bad. He understood what it meant when she lashed out, when she cursed, or when she clung so hard to him he felt the ache in his muscles. Likewise, he understood what it meant when she withdrew, when she played indifferent, when she quieted and pretended that nothing was wrong.

Benji couldn’t pretend. Maybe it was easier for her to act like none of this bothered her. Maybe it was what helped her forget. Maybe it somehow took away the pain while she sat next to him, weaving flowers as though she hadn’t just verbally attacked everything that was his life now.

It was almost uncanny in a way, how she could flip on a dime. One minute happy and bubbly, the next screaming in his face. Or now, biting remarks that left him feeling as though he’d just taken a punch to the chest only to pivot into holiday plans and Easter dinners. She got it, right? How it gave the boy whiplash and only made him feel worse about everything.

This was stupid. How were they going to be friends when she hated him? To him, it was obvious. The more time they spent together, the faker it all felt, and he couldn’t do it, not even if it was what she needed to force herself to move on from him.

While just a moment ago, he’d thought maybe he had her back. Now it was obvious. He was further away from that then he ever had been.

It really was over.

"You know I won't tell a soul. All those fancy secrets of yours will be safe with me."

“Just a normal Easter I guess,” he said with a shrug, not really know what else to say. “Dinner, church, games. Nothing revolutionary.” At least not that he knew of. Rosalie had already approached him about sneaking out with her one night to make the trek down the beach. It would still be freezing out, but something about the ocean called to the girl.

“Might go out with Rosie at some point. She gets stir-crazy at home, you know?” He kept his gaze overhead. “One more year and then she’s gone. It’ll be weird not having her around.” At home, she was the one he spent most of his time with. To think she’d be away at Uni, finally free of the restrictions she loathed almost made his stomach turn.

“Anyway, nothing really. Be back at school before we know it.”

The stillness used to bother her. Nothing could unnerve the girl more than a quiet afternoon where no one said anything or late nights lying in bed while the world slept. It typically created a buzz inside her, a low humming within her muscles that slowly drove her from her mind. Now? She welcomed it with open arms. In the last few months, life had become...loud. It was one trumpet blast after the next, ricocheting with deafening echoes that caused the earth beneath her to shake every time something else came up.

She didn't want anything else to come up. Rae neither wanted to be thrilled nor disappointed; she didn't want to be overly ecstatic or vibrating with ire. The girl only wanted...to be.

In this moment, that was exactly what she could do. The silence itself wasn't warm or soothing, and she wasn't naive enough to think it signalled comfort, but it served its purpose, and that was all she cared for. It quieted the thundering symphonies that plagued her, allowing her a soft moment beneath her favourite canopy to watch the world turn without her for just a little while. She wanted to be a bystander, not drawn in, not engaged or enticed, but merely a witness with no personal stakes. Rae didn't want to make choices; she didn't want anything more difficult than what dish she'd try first at dinner later attempting to darken her mood.

This new 'normal' with Benji satisfied her most basic needs. It was as stagnant as they were, shallow enough that it couldn't drown her, but familiar enough that pieces of her shattered soul could still sing.

That was enough for the girl whose tiredness had crept into her bones.

“One more year and then she’s gone. It’ll be weird not having her around.”

"It's always weird when they leave," she agreed. Her hand reached along the grass, blindly searching for the next flower she would add to her crown. "Just like Elliot and Rocio." Rosie and Cassian weren't quite out the door yet, but a familiar pang of abandonment was already beginning to settle, as it had done every other time she'd lost someone she cared about. Rae remembered them nearing the end of their first year and Benji telling her that soon they'd all leave and there would be no one left to care about her, no one left to whom she was a pet. The boy's prophecy was nearing completion. With each year that passed, her pool shrank. Before long, she would have to be the one comforting herself. She would have to climb into her own bed and tell herself that everything would be okay.

"Only three for us," she continued, resisting the encroaching melancholy with every inch of her determination. "Then it's off to Mungo's for me. I'm thinking of getting a flat closer to London--nothing mad expensive. I don't imagine trainees make much money, but it'll be a new adventure. I might even get a roommate. It's weird to think about, isn't it?" Dark eyes found his for a moment, seeking his opinion on the matter.

"You never did say what you'd do after."

"It's always weird when they leave. Just like Elliot and Rocio."

Benji nodded in solidarity. That it was. With each year that passed, more and more of the people they were once close to disappeared out into the great unknown, taking another small piece of their world with them.

Cassian was arguably his closest friend in school, and to think that he wouldn't be around anymore tugged at something within him that he didn't like. They hadn't started out close, the two boys. But somewhere around Benji's second year, he and Cass had seemed to find an easy friendship, one built on trust and sharing the sorts of thoughts and secrets he'd never reveal to a girl, no matter how close they were. He knew he'd miss him, but if he and Rosie remained an item, Benji knew his friend would never be far away.

Only three for them. It was hard to think they had completed more time at Hogwarts now than they had left. The school had become the one constant for him in his younger years when his entire left felt like it was in a chaotic uproar. To think that in just a few short years, this would all be a memory for him as well was...strange. A year or two ago the idea might have scared him. Without a support system, the idea of being thrust into the world alone was daunting.

Now, it didn't feel so enormous.

"Then it's off to Mungo's for me. I'm thinking of getting a flat closer to London--nothing mad expensive. I don't imagine trainees make much money, but it'll be a new adventure. I might even get a roommate. It's weird to think about, isn't it?"

Hazel eyes found dark, and while the idea that she was making plans for a future without him hurt, he couldn't help but admire everything she dreamed for herself. "It is," he said, an actual genuine smile finding its way to the corner of his lips. "You'll be an amazing healer," he said with a nod, "and we both know London's great. I could...maybe go with you when go apartment hunting." He gave a little shrug as his grin grew cheekier. "Check it out for you. Make sure it doesn't come with sketchy neighbors." It was his gentle way of pushing himself somehow into her future. He didn't want to think that there could come a day when they didn't speak at all, or weren't in each other's lives somehow.

"You never did say what you'd do after."

"University," he said, sitting up straight again, "Edinburgh. Not far from here. I'll probably study law. I'll be on the Wizengamot someday." He glanced back at her, "After, I'll probably go for auror training. Always wanted to be a hunter of some type." It would be a long while before Benji would have to take over duchy and family duties. James was still a young man and had plenty of years ahead of him.

Benji would be able to carve out a life for himself well-before Arundel Castle called for its due.

"Think you'll come up to Edinburgh to see me sometimes?"

"You'll be an amazing healer."

She believed so, too. It was all she had, the only future she saw and could hold onto when everything else had set itself on fire around her. Benji? The boy who'd promised her forever without saying so many words had decided forever was too pricey when his other obligations called. Her father? He said a lot--had said a lot. The man had seemed so certain about a future he could envision, but it was one she wanted nothing to do with. Her friends? Many had already left, and when they graduated, there were likely to be many who simply fell off for one reason or another.

St. Mungo's was her lighthouse now. Where all the others had gone out, that one still shone through the misty darkness, beckoning her in and filling her with a sense of hope and purpose. That Benji, in spite of everything else, still believed she could was the first genuine spot of joy in their stiff exchange, and it melted her just enough to have her laughing at his offer of flat assistance.

Reaching her foot out, she nudged him playfully. "You just wanna make sure my flat's primed with good neighbours for you to ogle whenever you visit. I'll be moving into an elderly neighbourhood and I'll make sure they're all old, widowed men, thank you very much." The cheeky banter she could handle. It was a welcome reprieve from the fabricated amity.

For the first time since this all went downhill, there was genuine mirth sparkling in her eyes.

Her voice softened some. "You can come. Probably help me vet my roommate, too, so I don't end up with someone trying to summon demon lizard spirits at 3 AM while I'm trying to sleep after a long shift." There were a lot of weirdos in the world, and Rae had already run into a disproportionate number of them.

She tossed her legs over his lap, making herself comfortable again.

"Edinburgh. Not far from here. I'll probably study law. I'll be on the Wizengamot someday."

"...Huh." It wasn't what she'd seen for him or what she ever thought he would be interested in, but Rae supposed that with everything he would have to inherit someday, some formal education in that field would be necessary.

"After, I'll probably go for auror training. Always wanted to be a hunter of some type."

"There he is," she teased, wrapping the stem a few times to fit it in place. "Auror, huh? Does that mean you'll come running every time I tell you there's a strange noise outside my window?--I know! You can hunt the patients who refuse to stay in bed. I don't reckon I'll be able to once I'm a real healer. Optics, and all that."

"Think you'll come up to Edinburgh to see me sometimes?"

She snorted lightly, unintentionally falling back into old assumptions. It had been so easy, forgetting that seeing him wasn't, in fact, a given. "Someone will have to pick up your dirty socks and make sure your shorts actually end up in the hamper."

They wouldn't be getting there themselves. She'd seen his room.

"You just wanna make sure my flat's primed with good neighbours for you to ogle whenever you visit. I'll be moving into an elderly neighbourhood and I'll make sure they're all old, widowed men, thank you very much."

Is that what she thought of him? Benji smirked and shook his head with a little eyeroll. "As long as you don't have the sorts of blokes I used to hang around with in your building, I don't care who your neighbors are." He didn't need anyone scoping her out and thinking she was a prime target for...anything. Rae was a girl that could take care of herself and didn't need him watching out for her, but he would do so all the same if she let him.

"You can come. Probably help me vet my roommate, too, so I don't end up with someone trying to summon demon lizard spirits at 3 AM while I'm trying to sleep after a long shift."

"I'll be there. We'll make sure to get you the most unhinged roommate possible. Lizard spirits are child's play. We'll make sure to find someone who," he held up his hand, counting on his fingers, "sleeps with their eyes open, runs a toad-rescue out of your bathtub and keeps a jar of teeth on the windowsill for 'sentimental reasons." He nudged her slightly, welcoming her legs as they flopped over his lap. He missed her so much. Even as he grinned, finding genuine ease in the banter they'd somehow cultivated in the last few minutes, that ache within him grew.

He tilted his head back, resting it on the tree as he plopped his hands on her legs as casually as he could manage, trying not to think about how soft her skin felt beneath his fingertips.

"Auror, huh? Does that mean you'll come running every time I tell you there's a strange noise outside my window?--I know! You can hunt the patients who refuse to stay in bed. I don't reckon I'll be able to once I'm a real healer. Optics, and all that."

"You know I will," he said, brightening again, "What's the point of being an auror if you can't do heroic things to impress girls?" He laughed a bit, shrugging his shoulders, "I hope they'd have more for me than chasing your mental patients through Mungo's courtyards, but when duty calls." His eyes found hers again, his own softening at her words. She would come visit him.

"I promise I'll have it all cleaned up for you. Can't have you coming all the way up to Edinburgh just to take care of me."

"As long as you don't have the sorts of blokes I used to hang around with in your building, I don't care who your neighbors are."

"Benji, Benji," she tutted in a light jest. "We don't discriminate. It takes all sorts, remember?" Whenever the boy was in a good enough mood, he sometimes shared the lighter stories of the boys he'd run the streets of Hackney with. They sounded a lot like him, like trouble wrapped in shameless grins and boys getting caught in the sort of business they had no business being in. Rae wasn't naive enough to fantasise about any sort of softness in the group; in fact, she suspected many of them were like the boys she'd run into during her own time between homes.

Would she like to share an apartment with any of them in the future? Not particularly, not unless they'd learned to keep their hands and their schemes to themselves.

"Besides, I thought a big, tough auror like you would be looking for extra reasons to patrol my street. Can't have the bossman thinking you've got favourites now, can we?"

Then he was on about the perfect roommate for her, each criterion somehow managing to be worse than the last. Lifting her arm, she lightly smacked him with her unfinished flower crown.

"Cheeky. Just for that, I'll find the roommate on my own. You can meet them after they've already hung their record collection in the too-small living room."

"I hope they'd have more for me than chasing your mental patients through Mungo's courtyards, but when duty calls."

"You say that like it couldn't be exciting," she quipped, her eyes finding his again with ease. "You try wrangling someone who's absolutely batty but still remembers how to cast a spell." While she'd never been in such a position herself, her very short internship at St. Mungo's had filled her with the kind of stories that both thrilled her and left her with the understanding that some departments within the hospital were a lot more...active than others.

She saw the way his hazel fields softened at the confirmation she'd see him. It was such a simple thing, a visit every now and then, but if it meant something to him, it really wouldn't cost her much of anything.

"I'll hold you to it, then. There better not be a shoelace out of place, otherwise I'll nag you until your bones go dry and you change your locks."

A crazy girlfriend might break in anyway. Lucky him that she was no longer so.