This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things | Bae

Saturday, December 10, 1921
Noon
The Kitchens

"THE BITTY SLYTHERIN HAS TO GET AHOLD OF HER CHILDREN!"

Benji smirked as Toddles raced across the kitchen, arms outstretched, screeching with horror as a trio of 'babies' emptied one of his cabinets of all the pots and pans. A clash, a slam, squeals of glee.

Benji sat perfectly content, propped up on the counter, stuffing his face full of the cauldron cakes the house elf intended for dinner tonight. The chaos behind him was none of his business. He wasn't a father, he wasn't a babysitter. He was simply a doll-maintainer until the end of the week, and whatever Barnaby was doing with Rae's nightmares (because he wasn't claiming any of the three) was certainly none of his concern.

He swung his feet as Toddles wailed, obviously resigned to the mess that his visitors had no intention of paying attention to.

Benji loved Toddles. He was a great elf. Best of the best, really. He didn't like making trouble for him, especially when Toddles had always been so good to him and Rae, but he also didn't care to be bothered with dolls at the moment.

Rae had been all about the assignment. Her enthusiasm in class the moment Blackwood had announced the project had been...disturbing, and Benji was happy to let her see what a headache babies actually were.

A teenage father he wouldn't be.

"AHEM."

Benji stopped mid-chew and glanced up as Toddles glared up at him, holding Barnaby out towards him like she was diseased.

"THE LITTLE HUFFLEPUFF WILL TAKE THIS ELSEWHERE!"

"I'm not so little anymore, Toddles." Benji said lightly, taking another bite of his cake, and making no effort to take Barnaby from the elf.

"NOW."

Benji glanced sideways at Rae. "Grab your monsters, before Toddles has a stroke."

---

Saturday, December 10, 1921
3:00 PM
The Gardens

Benji cradled Barnaby in his arms, a bottle propped up for her as she guzzled away, as though her fake little tummy needed the milk he'd had to procure. He'd found over the last twenty-four hours that she was a good little eater, her appetite nearly as impressive as his own.

It didn't mean he was a dad. Not at all. It was a doll. One he didn't claim and, again, was purely Rae's.

"Think she's done, finally," he said as he hoisted Barnaby onto his shoulder to commence the endless patting that would lead to her burping. A smell hit him, rank and...

"Think one of yours needs a diaper change." He crinkled his nose, nudging the boy twin away from him with his foot, redirecting it back towards his girlfriend.

A burp, small and milky erupted from his Rae's third baby, and the boy sighed with exasperation. There were some parts of this assignment that weren't...horrid. Then there was the rest that reminded him why he'd be childfree for the rest of his life.

He didn't need heirs. The Laurences would figure it out. Honestly. There were plenty of them and someone could take up the mantle without him having to burden the world with his offspring. Barnaby's little fingers pinched at the skin on his neck and he yelped, tugging the little hand away and holding the doll out to get a better look at her.

"It's weird how real they look, isn't it?" he asked Rae. "How was your night? Get any sleep at least?" Luckily Barnaby seemed to enjoy sleep, and hadn't minded when he'd shoved her under his bed. She wasn't real. She didn't need to be comfortable.

"I can't imagine having two of these things. And you tried to saddle me with another - oy watch it!" His baby grabbed at the stubble that was beginning to appear on his cheeks, plucking at them with a big smile on her face.

"Take this," Benji offered, holding Barnaby out to his girlfriend. If she wanted babies so badly, surely a third wouldn't hurt.

Saturday, December 10, 1921
Noon
The Kitchens

They had the sweetest family, didn't they? Benji was...a spirited little boy, not as laid back as his father but just as endearing. Their son was eager to get his hands on everything, and not always for the right reason. It hadn't taken her much time to realise that he needed a lot of distraction and redirection – huh. He was a lot more like his father than real Benji gave him credit for. He was a bad influence on Andrea, who thought it was her business to get into damn near everything that caught her or her brother's attention.

Little Not!Barnaby was the perfect complement. She was as cuddly as her sister and as eager to see whatever Benji Jr. was up to.

Right now, they were exploring the kitchen's lower cupboards while she fixed their father a sandwich. It was all so very domestic and suited her schedule for the moment. Rae was fine to play the dutiful wife and doting mother, thinking it a lovely, delicate look for her.

She heard Toddles screaming about the babies; how could she not? But she only needed a little longer.

A few slices of ham...some lettuce because he needed greens. Tomatoes...cheese...

Rae was trying not to fuss at him for the way he was ruining his appetite with those cauldron cakes and turned to ask whether he wanted to have some ketchup when—.

"Grab your monsters, before Toddles has a stroke."

She rolled her eyes at him. "Honestly, Benji," she slapped the second slice of bread atop to complete the sandwich. "The least you could do is watch them. It wouldn't have killed you to play with them while I was busy."

With an exasperated shake of her head, Rae found a wrapper, packaged both sandwiches, and collected her children.

---

Saturday, December 10, 1921
3:00 PM
The Gardens

The gardens had already begun their winter slumber. Many of the once flourishing trees had lost their leaves, and the flowers had grown brittle. Even the grass had succumbed to the chill, becoming dull in colour with a few blades going white at their tips. It would've all looked better covered in a fluffy blanket of snow. At least then they'd have been able to pretend they were in a winter wonderland. A winter flurry, snowflakes gently falling to the ground – it would've been a scene worthy of a family photo.

"I don't know why you've been so against this," Rae mused aloud as she watched him feeding Not!Barnaby. "You make a gorgeous father. So sweet. I'd jump your bones right now if—" Oh wait. No, she wouldn't. They weren't on those kind of terms. "Forget it, but just know, you're doing fabulously. Look how much she adores you."

Pulling at him, grabbing, all curiosity and obvious affection. "I bet she'd settle if you cuddled her."

This wasn't as bad as everyone was complaining it was. A lot of that had to do with having the dolls for only a day by now and the novelty making everything they did irresistible, but that didn't matter to the Slytherin girl who liked to live for the moment anyway. Let tomorrow worry over itself; she was enjoying herself now.

While Benji finished up with Not!Barnaby, Rae was distractedly putting Andrea to sleep. She was the easier of the two to get down for a nap, so while she distracted Benji with conjured blocks, she would try her luck there. She hummed lightly, an old lullaby for which she no longer remembered most of the words. Andrea had fought the sleep for as long as she could, but eventually her eyelids began to droop.

"Think one of yours needs a diaper change."

It wasn't his words that sparked her sudden ire, it was his action. Nudging their son with his foot. "Don't do that!" she chided, barely remembering to keep her voice down. "He's not a dog you can shoo away!"

He was their precious child who deserved the entire world.

Rae summoned the blocks, knowing Benji would crawl behind them. She magicked them back into a tower and charmed them to restack themselves every time he knocked them down. He did need a diaper change, but she wouldn't be able to until Andrea was asleep.

"I never get any sleep, you know that." It hadn't gotten better over the years, only worse. Her only reprieve was the nights she climbed into someone else's bed, and even then there were nights when only wandering would do. "It was nice having the extra company. I took them out in their carriers, and we walked around the lake and out toward the front gate. They're as restless as their mother when night comes." Between them and Echo, she'd had plenty to do before she was ready to fall asleep. "I don't mind them looking real, though. Makes it easier to pretend." For her, at least.

Benji wasn't even trying to pretend.

"Take this."

"Her," she corrected. "Gimme a minute; she's almost asleep. You could stand to hold Not!Barnaby for a few more minutes."

Merlin knew he was already spending as little time as he could with her. It wasn't a good look. He couldn't treat their children this way. They needed their father.

A gorgeous what?

Boyfriend, certainly. Friend, probably. Human in general? Without a doubt.

Benji was drop-dead gorgeous. He saw the way people looked at him in his sexiest moments when he was coming off the Quidditch pitch drenched in sweat, or when he was tucking into a delicious meal. Hell, if he were a girl, he’d be completely obsessed with him.

A gorgeous father, he was not.

Because he hadn’t fathered anyone, and wouldn’t. For the seventeenth time today.

“She doesn’t adore me, because she doesn’t have feelings. Wanna know how I know? Because she hasn’t got a brain, Rae.” People needed those to feel things, although he was certain a good few of Hogwarts’s former students who had yet to return lacked one anyway.

It was a case to be studied, really. How people without brains functioned in their day-to-day lives. Perhaps a Ravenclaw would take up the task one day.

Certainly not a Hufflepuff who had better things to do.

Like get barked at by his girlfriend.

“You’re right, he’s not a dog, because then he’d be real.”

Rae had named the boy doll Benji which had only led to several confusing conversations between them over the last twenty-four hours. It was difficult deciphering who she meant when she indicated that Benji needed to eat, or Benji needed to sleep.

He’d already forgotten what the other one was called.

"It was nice having the extra company. I took them out in their carriers, and we walked around the lake and out toward the front gate. They're as restless as their mother when night comes. I don't mind them looking real, though. Makes it easier to pretend."

Ah, okay, so she did know it was fake, and he wasn’t going to have to slyly check her into Hospital Wing for a mental examination. His face softened and he felt himself smiling, imagining his sweet girl wandering out by the lake, happy as a clam with her little dolls. Well, that was nice, wasn’t it? If she was happy, then that was really all that mattered. He didn’t have to really love this, but it was nice to see her seemingly in her element.

She would make a great mum one day.

If he decided not to be childfree that was.

“Fiiiine,” Benji muttered and plopped Barnaby into the grass, happy to let her wander off with the other Benji. “She can find bugs or whatever the hell is the other Benji’s doing.” Besides crawling around with a saggy diaper.

“What’s the plan for dinner? We’re gonna drop ‘em at the common rooms and go eat, right?” he asked. He didn’t want a repeat of last night, having to try and hold a squirming baby who grabbed at his fork and plate while he attempted to eat.

Benji didn’t share food. Even with Barnaby.

“She doesn’t adore me, because she doesn’t have feelings. Wanna know how I know? Because she hasn’t got a brain, Rae.”

She was ignoring him, or trying her very best to, at least. Sometimes, the boy could be a grumpy spoilsport, too focused on reality and logic to let himself enjoy a bit of frivolity. Of course, they were just dolls. Of course, they didn't have a brain. They were hollow instruments of 'education', likely Blackwood's idea of promoting birth control among a population of teenagers who'd discovered the joys of hormones without any of the responsibility and accountability for controlling them. She wasn't blind, and she wasn't dumb. The girl was simply trying to enjoy herself.

Benji was doing everything within his power to remove this simple joy.

“You’re right, he’s not a dog, because then he’d be real.”

There he went again, trying to use logic when she only needed him to cuddle their baby and play a role for a little while. Freeing one hand, Rae summoned an empty bottle from the little supply kit and propelled it at him.

"Shut up, you'll hurt his feelings! He can be a real boy if he wants to be, and if he wants to be a dog, he can be that, too—but not because you said so!" Benji never did try to bond with Little Benji, but she bet he would find that they had a lot in common and that there was much he had to teach him.

"You should take him fishing later while the girls and I find something to do. Or teach him how to be a beater – but you better not let him get hit and hurt. No roughhousing. Just the basics. He's still a baby."

Rae heard the exasperated sigh but didn't think much of it outside of being content that Benji was willing to continue holding Not!Barnaby...until he put her down. Didn't he know it was nap time?? She only had so many hands, and it would be much harder to put Benji to sleep if he still had a playmate.

"No, no, no!" she protested in her own exasperated whisper. She paused a moment when Andrea started fussing again, returning her attention to her baby girl who was still doing what she could to fight falling asleep but thankfully losing the battle. "You gotta do better. You gotta spend more time with them. Before you know it, they'll be 18 and off to university or starting their own business, finding love—they won't have time for you anymore, Benji, and you know why? Because you're teaching them that you don't have time for that now. What happens when they don't invite you to the wedding or let either of us see the grandkids? Is that what you want? Alienation from our own children?"

It started now in their formative years.

“What’s the plan for dinner? We’re gonna drop ‘em at the common rooms and go eat, right?”

"See, that's what I'm talking about!" Rae laid Andrea on the blanket by her once she was certain it was safe to do so before gesturing Not!Barnaby over. She would have to be the next to go if Little Benji with his block-breaking habits was to stand a chance. She scooped the little girl up and cradled her as she'd done with her sister. "You can't want to palm them off every chance you get. We're meant to be spending time together as a family. How are we gonna do that if you lock them away?" Rae shook her head stubbornly.

It simply wouldn't do.

"It's out of the question – will you change, Benji? We have to eat together. They can stay in their carriers – Benji, are you listening? I asked you to change Benji—we can let them play with their toys while we eat. They're fine so long as you keep them occupied."

"Shut up, you'll hurt his feelings! He can be a real boy if he wants to be, and if he wants to be a dog, he can be that, too—but not because you said so!"

Benji grinned, trying to keep himself from laughing. He wasn't trying to make her mad, but this whole thing was hilarious - if he ignored the part where he actually had to care for these things. Barnaby wasn't so bad at the end of the day. She was pretty easy-going and what his mum would call a 'good baby', he supposed. But this was all still for the birds, as far as he was concerned.

"Should have named him Pinocchio," he smirked, leaning back on his elbows and watching the two in the grass go at...whatever it was they were doing. A crawling race? They were heading somewhere for sure, and it was none of his business.

"You should take him fishing later while the girls and I find something to do. Or teach him how to be a beater – but you better not let him get hit and hurt. No roughhousing. Just the basics. He's still a baby."

"He's your doll, not mine," he insisted, raising his eyebrows at the girl that seemed to think he needed father/son bonding time. Benji didn't have a dad, and he didn't have a son, so it didn't seem like that particular type of bonding was necessary for him at the moment. If he was going to practice Quidditch, he wasn't taking a wiggly baby doll up there with him. It sounded like a recipe for disaster and a concussion.

And when had she ever known Benji to fish?!

"You gotta do better. You gotta spend more time with them. Before you know it, they'll be 18 and off to university or starting their own business, finding love—they won't have time for you anymore, Benji, and you know why? Because you're teaching them that you don't have time for that now. What happens when they don't invite you to the wedding or let either of us see the grandkids? Is that what you want? Alienation from our own children?"

His lips parted as he blinked at the girl who was treading the line of being certifiable at this point. He leaned over as she fussed with the girl twin, pressing the back of his hand against her forehead. No elevated temperature so she wasn't likely having a quiet seizure or a fever-induced hallucination.

What the fuck was she talking about? "Rae, we only have them until the end of the week." Thank Merlin. This was quickly getting out of hand and he wasn't sure their relationship would survive longer than that if she was truly committed to this bit. It was crazy talk. "When this is over, I swear, I'm never letting you near a doll again." He'd write a formal complain to Headmaster MacLean - wherever he was - about Blackwood's methods and how it'd sent a student to the brink of insanity.

"You can't want to palm them off every chance you get. We're meant to be spending time together as a family. How are we gonna do that if you lock them away? It's out of the question – will you change, Benji?"

Oh good gravy. A long-suffering sigh left his lips as he flopped himself fully into the grass, closing his eyes as he let the cool December air pinch his cheeks.

That was his cue to check out.

"They can stay in their carriers – Benji, are you listening? I asked you to change Benji -"

On a warm beach somewhere, no dolls in sight. That's where he was.

"—we can let them play with their toys while we eat. They're fine so long as you keep them occupied."

Hot sand beneath him, the sounds of waves lapping against the shore. Seagulls attacking him for his snacks. A sunburn to rival any other he'd ever had.

It was preferable to diaper changing.

"Should have named him Pinocchio."

"Ha. Ha," she replied dryly. "Our son's not a fairytale." Not hardly. Benji was sitting right there, smashing block towers every time they reformed. If he wasn't real, or only a figment of childhood imagination, the blocks wouldn't keep tumbling the way they did.

As much as Not!Barnaby wanted to join him, neither would nap if they were both allowed to play, so even as the sweet girl tried pulling out of her arms, Rae held her tighter and proceeded to rock her. Like she'd done with Andrea, she hummed low and rhythmically, trying to get her to settle. It would've been easier without the clattering sound of the blocks every time their son knocked a new tower down, but without sound to accompany the chaos, she had a feeling it wouldn't have been as effective at keeping his attention.

"He's your doll, not mine."

"And she," Rae said, nodding down to the baby in her arms that had gotten her little hand tangled in her curls, "is your doll, not mine." In case he'd forgotten. This wasn't a fun side project or some hairbrained scheme she'd come up with on her own for them to spend more time together. As much as Benji may have liked to spin it as 'her wanting these dolls' and 'the consequences of her glee', it was a class with a grade and not her obligation. "That's not the point. We're a family, and you're not acting like one."

Despite not being obligated to, Rae wanted to care for the dolls and pretend, if only for a week, as he seemed so apt to remind her, that they'd carved out a little something for themselves.

"You could stand to act like you're not having the absolute worst time of your life, you know. A week won't kill you." And it wasn't as if he had anything else going on. Outside of his usual routine of exercise, quidditch training, art, and forced labour in the library, Benji wasn't currently working on anything new. "You've got the prettiest wife in the world, wearing your ring and caring for your babies. All you have to do is smile occasionally, tell me how beautiful I am and wait for your grade to be improved by default—and take Benji with you to play Quidditch."

That, too.

Was he...was he even listening?

"Benji? – BENJI!"

Ugh. It was just like him, while poor baby Benji sat in his dirty diaper, chafing and uncomfortable. Her boyfriend had two perfectly working hands, and she was there putting his doll to sleep.

"B e n j i."

Circe. He could be so insufferable sometimes.

She reached for her wand she'd put down after conjuring the blocks for Benji and sent red sparks flying at him.

"Pay attention! Benji's gonna have the most uncomfortable night if you let him develop a rash!"

Benji, Benji, Benji.

Benji this, Benji that, Benji did you hear me, Benji are you gonna be a good father...

He was starting to hate the sound of his own name. His girlfriend was like a dog with a bone and there was no giving it up. As good as he played ignorant to her cries, imagining himself somewhere warmer than Scotland in December, there was no real tuning her out.

He sighed, another long suffering expulsion of air as he dropped his hand across his face. Apparently a baby would start crying soon if he wasn't changed. And the only thing more grating than Ruth Anaya barking his ear off was a baby crying.

It wasn't that Benji didn't like babies. It was quite the opposite - he actually really liked them, especially when he was allowed to give them back to their own parents when they fussed. These ones, wouldn't go anywhere. Blackwood had seen to that, and the moment he'd actually tried to put Barnaby in a closet the first time, she magically appeared back in the hallway.

There was no escape.

He sat up with a groan, plucking the doll from the grass and reaching for the supply bag next to Rae. "I'm just saying if we have kids, Fidèle's on diaper duty. I'll gladly be a bad father in that area." He whipped out a fresh diaper and wet cloths, ready to tackle whatever Pinocchio had decided to gift him with.

He glanced up as he got to work, wiping the doll down and powdering it. "You are the most beautiful girl in the world though." A fresh diaper on, all secure and he was wrestling the kid back into his pants. "And our real kids will be a lot better looking than these ones."

He could hope anyway. What a tragedy if he and the prettiest girl in the world made a bunch of ogres.

He'd blame his mother's genes.